EMSF Desert Championship R2 24/10/2014

The second round in the Emirates Desert Championship.   2 hours in the desert up near Lihbab, some nice sand there and it’s much cooler than the last time.  And I have my favourite co-driver beside me.  So what could possibly go wrong?

Plenty, as it turns out.  The first lap is interrupted by our colliding with the white  Nissan which started 30 seconds ahead of us. Mr Cherednikov had managed to stall it on the blind side of a dune, and 30 seconds isn’t really enough time to get out and warn people.  He finally gets it going again but we get ahead of him.  We’re now the leading car and make an error navigating a passage control, which Sheila quickly spots, and we’re back on track.  On the second lap we make a rather superb overtake (in all modesty) on a buggy as we go through the one decent flat stretch of the lap, where I’m up to 140kph.   But just after that, Sheila tells me she’s about to be sick - so I stop.  She decides not to be sick, but clearly isn’t in a fit state to continue, so I carefully drive to the pits and hand her over to the medics.  John Spiller kindly agrees that I can continue solo, so off I go again.  I’ve lost about half an hour, but at least I can get a finish and score some points.

I rejoin the start-finish straight just ahead of Mansoor Parol, and quickly leave him behind, and complete three quick laps, overtaking a couple of buggies in the process.  But on the final lap, I miss a gear change going up a dune and crest out on the top.  Bugger!  Still, no problem, I have 4 sand tracks in the back.  Or rather, I started with 4 sand tracks.  But at some point it apears they’ve made a bid for freedom,  so it’s out with the shovel.  Dig, dig, dig.  Sweat, cuss, bugger.  It’s not coming out.  I’d better phone rally control.  Ooops – apparently that's something else I don't have - it's with Sheila.  Bugger.  Oh well, the sweep team will be along in a minute, I’m on rally route, I have plenty of water so I make myself comfortable in the shade of my stricken steed.  I’m 3.2km from the bivvy, and the rule is ‘stay with your car’.  And anyway I don’t fancy the walk.

Some time later that day, some bloke passes by in a Wrangler who kindly gives me a pull off the dune.  Hurrah!  What a nice bloke.  Now what to do?  Head down rally route to the finish?  No, it’s a long way and I’ve DNF’d anyway, so no point.  Head back contra-rally-route?  That’s a bit dodgy, I’ll probably run slap bang into the sweep team – assuming there is one.  Sod it, I’ll just navigate straight line back to the bivvy.  

I’m 1.8km short of it when I get the bloody thing stuck again!  What a plonker!

Now, to heck with the rules.  I’ll walk.  I have water, I have a GPS and the exercise is good for me.  (Well, so it may be, but it’s not so good for my brand new race boots, which disintegrate half way there.  The soles have come off and are flapping around and  I’m not impressed.) Just as I approach the bivvy, a nice lady in another Wrangler (I’ve decided I like Wranglers) picks me up and takes me the last 250m.

Everyone’s been out looking for me, they have actually found my car (but not the footprints of me leaving it!) and panic is starting to set in as I arrive.  Someone has very kindly picked up and returned my errant sand ladders, Sheila is fit and well, the only damage is to my pride and my points tally. (Oh, and my reputation - I am rightly bollocked for not having a phone with me and causing consternation in rally control.)

But the damage is less than I’d expected.  Mr Cherednikov has apparently not scored any T1 points either.  So I haven’t lost my lead in the T1 class, and although a few more points in the overall championship would have been nice, I’m not in the running to beat the buggy boys to a trophy.

As always, some nice pix of the event courtesy of Tim Ansell - more on www.slrpm.com

EMSF Desert Championship Round 1 - 03/10/2014

I was planning on driving solo when my old mate Ali Mirza – formerly co-driver for Mansour Al Helei – rang up and asked if I wanted a co-driver.  So that was settled, and I met up at scrutineering which the Beast passed with flying colours (hurrah!).

When I reached the start there wasn’t really anywhere to park, so I pulled the trailer onto the sand.  I should have known better - that really was the triumph of hope over experience, and of course I was stuck and so was the trailer.  Wonderful.  And it was hot.  Bloody hot.

 

 

At drivers' briefing there is a respectful minute's silence in memory of  Cameron Waugh, the tragic victim of this year's Desert Challenge. Then we’re off, second car, 30 seconds behind Mark Powell, following a different course from the 90-odd bikes.  It’s supposed to be marked with triangles, we’re following Mark but there aren’t any triangles…..quick look round….found the route….Marks’s turned round…and now we’re heading on the right direction, and right on Mark’s tail.  Result!

 

Did I mention it was hot?  It was hot.  I made a half-hearted attempt to pass Mark but – well, it was hot.  Then we pass Emil’s Patrol, stuck behind a dune, so that’s at least someone who’s having a worse day than me.  After a couple of laps of the 14km circuit, ( by which time the thermometer has gone from ‘hot’ to ‘sweltering’)  I make a mistake and land heavily, after which the car doesn't seem to be steering properly.  Better stop at service and see if the front axle has fallen off or something.

 

 

Fought my way through a pitlane crowded with people, kids, cars, chairs.  Stopped,  got out, but found nothing obviously untoward.  Got back in and discovered the transfer box had jumped out of 4WD – bugger!  Just wasted 5 minutes, and if my brain hadn’t been completely fried I might have thought of that.

 

So now I’m waaaay behind, no sign of Mark, I’m even behind Mansoor Parol’s ancient yellow Pajero which started behind me - but I’ve lost the will to try and get past because it’s so damned hot.  Will this nightmare never end?  Let’s just try and finish, eh?

Which eventually we do.  I celebrate by sitting slumped limply in some shade, emptying bottles of cold water over my head and down my throat, thinking ‘how the hell do I get the trailer out of the sand?’  Ali tells me we’ve won, silly sod, of course we can’t have won anything (except perhaps the wooden spoon.)

But it turns out that Mark retired just after me when his lady co-driver almost passed out from the heat (did I mention the heat?), Emil got stuck three times, and the Pajero was also a lap of two behind me as well.  So actually all that came in ahead of me were a couple of buggies and Mansour Al Helei (T2).  Which makes Newtrix Racing first in T1!  25 points and a trophy, thank you very much!

Would have been nice to have some pix of the podium, but The Phantom Blogger, who was supposed to be there photographing it, was otherwise engaged at the time, up to his armpits in sand trying to extricate his Disco.  (Then he had to help me retrieve the trailer, it really wasn't his lucky day...)

Anyway, we get to do it all over again on 24^th October, when hopefully the weather will have cooled down a tad (I did mention the heat, didn’t I?) and Sheila will return to the co-driver's seat. 

(Photo credits: Darren Rycroft, Tim Ansell, and someone else)

The Beast 2.0

Finally got The Beast out of the clutches of Saluki Motorsport last Thursday, and took it out for a modest shakedown on Saturday. Nothing adventurous or high-revving, just making sure everything works and nothing falls off. So far so good. There are few bits and pieces still to do, including retaining straps for the mudflaps which I actually sorted out in the afternoon. But now it’s back at Saluki for the remaining odds and ends to be tidied up.

But on the way, I decided to visit Al Quoz Weighbridge and see just how much flab has been excised from The Beast. This sounds such a simple task, what could possibly go wrong? In from the front, with the Beast on the trailer, over the weighbridge, pay the money and carry on out the back. Except that having gone over the weighbridge, the exit was blocked by several large trucks. Reverse back over the weighbridge? Well, it’s narrow, very long, and has a 2’ sheer drop either side - and I got halfway back along it before I bottled out. The only alternative was the world’s most difficult 3-point-turn, avoiding aforementioned trucks and various piles of structural steel in the yard. And then I had to do it all over again after dropping off the race car…..aaaargh.

Well, the weigh-in is complete. The Beast has clearly been on a low-calorie, starch-reduced, fat-free diet with a touch of Atkins on the side and a gastric band. The angle-grinder has been wielded with the skill of a surgeon’s scalpel, and ladies and gentlemen, the operation has been a success!

Those paying attention will recall that the Beast previously tipped the scales at a portly 2580kg. I was thinking that maybe we’d lose 250kg…which is exactly what we have done! The weight is now 2330kg, with a similar fuel load. So I’m afraid all your guesses were hopelessly optimistic, and the only way we’ll get near the minimum allowable 2050kg would be to get rid of the chassis, which isn’t really an option. The nearest guess came from my favourite spanner-basher, Richard Bailey.

I’m about to leave the country for ten days, to go and watch Europe whup the USA’s collective butt in the Ryder Cup - assuming I can get into Scotland by then without a visa. Yes, ‘I’m gonna be the man who walked a thousand miles’ to fall down at the 18th hole at Gleneagles. It’s a shame that world-famous marksman and part-time Newtrix technical director, Mr Rick Carless, can’t come, as I believe the haggis-hunting season is just about to open.

And on my return, there is the first race of EMSF Desert Championship on 3rd October! I have chosen to be car number 333 for no particular reason, and at some point you will be able to find out the location on www.emsf.ae. Please, please come along and support the event, it’s a great morning out amongst some of the friendliest (and sweatiest) Petrolheads in the country. And if you want to volunteer to marshal, get in touch with Stuart at EMSF on their Facebook page.

Did I hear you say ‘pictures’? OK, you’ve waited long enough.

WARNING: CAR PORN AHEAD.

It Lives! It Breathes!

Like the dreaded Kraken, awakening from its slumber in the abyss of the ocean’s depths…

Like the ferocious Grizzly Bear, emerging from its long winter hibernation in the shadows of the forest…

Like the fearsome Creature,taking its first halting steps from the laboratory of Dr Frankenstein...

Like a mighty cannonball, he seems to fly, you hear about it everywhere he goes…
(oh no - that’s Champion, the wonder horse.)

Will somebody get this damned horse out of my blog? Where was I? Oh yes! The Beast is awake! Engine turneth! Exhaust smoketh! Oil pressure riseth! And it is good!

Well, it’s been a while since I had anything memorable to report on the vehicular front, so I thought I’d wait until a Significant Milestone arrived, before getting you all excited.

There are still a few things to finish. All the essential wiring is done, and only the various ancillaries (trip-meters, GPS, Iritrack, extinguisher system) remain to be completed. The missing trim panel between the windscreen and the bonnet has now been located, languishing (unpainted) in Nanjgel’s paint shop. New external safety cut-off and firex switches are waiting to be installed. The broken windscreen wiper linkage is being replaced. We need an oil pressure switch (where did that go?), and a header tank for the radiator, and a filter for the engine breather. We have a new, larger engine oil cooler, and the old one is now cooling the power steer fluid. DOT 5.1 fluid now feeds the brakes, and particularly the clutch - which cooked its fluid last time out. A new windscreen is on order. Every single light fitting has been replaced – headlights, tail lights and high-mount FIA rear lights.

And it looks pretty damn good. Have a look on Saluki Motorsport’s Facebook page if you don’t believe me.

Mark would like to have it finished this weekend, but I think next weekend might be its first outing. Suddenly, my very trousers are trembling with the excitement of it all.

The Beast is back. (Be afraid. Be very afraid.)

Into Paint

While we were in Spain, Robbie and the guys at Saluki Motorsport fabrication shop had been busy. The rest of the panels arrived just as we were leaving, and the front-end fabrication is now complete. Here are some pix, which I shamelessly nicked off Saluki's Facebook gallery.

So last Thursday we dragged it onto the trailer for the run round the corner to Nanjgel workshop, where it is now being prepped for paint. As luck would have it, they are down to one painter at the moment so it will be a couple of weeks before they can finish the Beast in its new livery - Fiji Blue exterior and white everywhere else, over a black chassis. All the removable hardware such as the front bumper, brackets, toolbox holder, sandladder rack and tank cradle have today been sandblasted and are in Bin Shabib for powder-coating in white.

After some agonising about losing the stock speedo (the whole original dashboard is history, remember), I've ordered a GPS speedo from Ebay. This has the advantage of not needing a sensor from the propshaft, and it will give true speed regardless of wheelspin. Yes, I could have lived without it, but I like to know how fast I'm going.

Another item on the shoping list is a blower. No, not a supercharger, I mean a fan. No, not a motorsports groupie (though that's not a bad idea...), I mean something to stir up the air inside the cab. Yes, I know, I've already got one of those and it's called a co-driver. I mean one of these. This is because we've also said goodbye to the original interior fan which lived behind the dashboard. Unless the Beast is actually moving, there's no air circulation without a fan. I forsee needing to install a fan speed control, because word is that these axial-flow fans are a tad noisy at full chat - and no-one likes a noisy tad.

What else? Oh yes, lights. We need a full set of rear LED lights (stop/tail/turn) for the back end of the wings, as well as stop and tail lights for behind the cab (to make the FIA happy). And maybe we really ought to replace the headlights as well - the roll didn't exactly improve them. One of them is a jigsaw of shattered glass, which Richard skilfully re-assembled using superglue. Maybe I'll keep that on a plinth, as an example of modern auto-art.

Later this week I can regale you with photos of white powder-coated shiny bits. Until then!

Gimme Steam!

We're off to Spain next week, and the fabrication work on the Beast's exterior should be finished while we're away. Saluki are waiting on the fibreglass wings to fabricate the tubular front framework. Once that's done, it can go into paint at Nanjgel, but we wanted it steam-cleaned first.

Should you ever need it, I can recommend 'Wheel 2 Wheel Service Station'. They are tucked away near the Eppco at the SZR end of Umm Suquem Rd. Despite from being somewhat nonplussed by the fact that it was only half a car (no discount for that), and it was staying on the trailer, they ripped into it with some high pressure steam. The Beast is now a gunge-free zone.

Meanwhile the engine is almost ready. We had a nervous moment when Trinity, the machine shop who are re-boring the cylinders and regrinding the crank, discovered a problem with the reluctor wheel. This is the disc from which the crank position is sensed, and should be pressed onto the crankshaft. For reasons unknown, it was welded on - not good, as the balance of the crank is critical. Worse, it was misaligned and rubbing on the block! So this had to be carefully un-welded, and a new one installed correctly.

Guess-the-weight Sweepstake

The guys up at Saluki Motorsport have found the angle-grinder again and given my front end a good seeing-to. Frankly, it was a mess. The inner wings had been reinforced earlier (by another garage) and their workmanship was, let us say, less than exemplary. So everything forward of the 'A' pillar is now history. This leaves a clear playing-field for fabrication of the tubular structure which will support the new fibreglass front wings. These are being moulded from my existing wings, at should be arriving later this week along with a funky fibreglass bonnet.

The dashboard has also left the building, along with a few hundredweight of miscellaneous wiring, in preparation for a new aluminium dash, which will be tastefully finished in matt-black powder-coat, for a stealthy, minimalist look. (At least, I think that's what Mark said.)

So how much weight have we actually shed? We started at 2550kg, and our minimum allowable weight is 2050kg. The two rearmost doors weighed almost 40kg. These were not included in the 2550kg figure, which did include 2 spare wheels and a quarter of a tank of fuel. (And an engine, currently on holiday with Al Numairy.)

So let's have a 'guess the weight' sweepstake. When it's finished we're going to weigh it again in full race trim, and whoever gets closest to the final figure gets a passenger ride. Sound like fun? So get guessing!

Time for Plan B

Plan A was to get the engine sorted, change the back end to a pickup and get the Beast ready for the next rally (9-10^th May).  Then maybe do the rest of the work (fiberglass front end, rewire, new dashboard) over the summer. 

The cab back panel is in, and a polycarbonate window will go above it.  The rear wings have been cut to size and the brackets to attach them are in progress.  We’re rapidly reaching the point where only the detail work to fit ancilliaries like the jack, sandladders, compressor, air tank etc. remains. 

New tyre rack and suspension turret

However – we have now moved to Plan B.  Mark has convinced me that it makes sense to complete the job by doing the front end while the engine is out.  That means  stripping out all the wiring and ancillaries from under the bonnet, and the dashboard.  Then the front bodywork will go, to be replaced by a tubular structure to support new fiberglass wings, while a new fibreglass  dashboard will complete the interior.  Once that is done, it will visit Nanjgel for a complete inside (white) and outside (Fiji Blue) respray.   Then it’s back to Saluki Motorsports for re-wiring and engine installation.

All this means that we won’t have the Beast back for the May 9-10^th event.  But when we do finally get it back – it will be like a new vehicle!  Then we'll see how close we are to our 2050kg target weight.

Here's to the crew

I've been so caught up with the rebuild of the Beast that I haven't taken the time to pay tribute to the NewTrix Crew who did all the hard work behind the scenes in Liwa.

Rick Carless once again resumed his position as 'Technical Director', coming over from UK to spend a week getting hot, sweaty and sandy.  He's in the process of editing some video he took, along with some of my in-car stuff, so watch this space!

Richard Bailey packed his entire inventory of tools onto the pickup and drove each day to the service point (which is not a bunch of fun in a slow vehicle). He then masterminded the reconstruction of the wrecked car, working with Rick to straighten panels, fit a temporary windscreen, fit temporary rear lights, and re-wire everything.  Sadly it was all to no avail, as the engine was full of sand after the rollover, but they worked like stars to get it finished.

Kate Stedman was a new recruit to NewTrix, also flying out from UK to help.  She took over all the various housekeeping duties which Sheila usually does, washing race-kit, sweeping and cleaning the car, and making sure we all had food and drink.  The left Sheila free to concentrate on the road-book each evening.

The mysterious Phantom Blogger (aka Ersatz von Frankenblogger) was once again on hand, on line and usually off-topic with his inimitable blend of fact and fantasy (mainly the latter).  If only we knew who he was, we could thank him properly.....

And of course, my trusty co-driver Sheila.  For the second time this season she's had to escape from a rolled race-car!  As usual her navigation was spot-on, we never missed a waypoint. When we blew the idler pulley bearing on Day 1, she was on the tools with me getting the new serpentine belt fitted, what a star!





L to R: Kate, Richard, Sheila, Ian, Rick
Photo credit: Grumpy Goat

 

Emirates Desert Championship T1 awards
Ian (1st), Ibrahim Al Muhana (2nd), Mohd Bin Sulayem, Dave Mabbs (3rd)
 

 

After the awards dinner on Thursday, the party moved on to the Y-Bar at the Rotana.  I am led to believe that security kicked us all out at 4am...

Rick and Dominic Spiller

Sheila, Ali Mirza and Stephan Schott

Phantom Blogger, Dominic, Sheila, Kate, Rick

Sheila, Ali Mirza, Claire

 

Floorless work!

Work continues apace at Saluki.  The infill section which finishes off the cab is in progress - this uses part of the rear frame from the donor roof, and part of the existing rear side doors.

How it will look with the new rear wings

Rear cross member will be replaced with a tube

Composite infill panel to rear of cab in progress

New Roof

Before I even had the chance to photograph the roof I'd just bought, Rod had cut it and installed it!

Next steps will be to finish off the rear of the cab and start removing the rear floor.

This man has an angle-grinder and isn't afraid to use it...

New rear wings are waiting to be fitted

What a difference a day makes

Rod certainly doesn't hang about, does he?  Saluki Motorsport could be on course for a new world record in pick-up conversions!  We now have a pre-loved white roof ready to replace the cab section, so I guess that's the next part to come off.  The existing bulkhead behind the cab is now redundant, and has gone.  The rear 'D' pillar frame from the new roof will be installed in its place, immediately behind the 'B' pillar, which is also part of the new roof.  The new cab back panel will have a window(hurrah!) so finally I'll have half-decent rear visibility.

 



No time Toulouse



Wide-open spaces..



So, as good as his word, Rod is on the case and already has evacuated the contents of rear of the Beast - tank, spare wheels, suspension, the lot. And removed the rear bumper. The new roof is scheduled to be delivered tomorrow, and then I suspect it will all start getting very scary.

Meanwhile Fadi's crew at Al Numairy have made an initial inspection of the engine and it looks like we need new main bearings and probably a rebore. Hopefully I'll have a better idea this evening after meeting Fadi.

Getting on with it

The calendar tells me today is 17th April and the next rally starts on 9th May.  So we have a scant 3 weeks to get the Beast back into full fighting form.  Demurring, delaying, shilly-shallying and procrastination are clearly not going to get the job done.  What is required is the making of brave and expensive decisions, which is precisely what I have done.

Yesterday the Beast went into Nanjgel to have the engine extracted, and today the engine headed out for the short trip to Al Numairy Performance, who are conveniently just down our street.  There, the nice Mr Fadi (who is currently blasting up the quarter-mile at Yas in his 3000bhp monster) and his crew of V8 experts will strip the thing down and take out all the sand, and do whatever is needful to make it a happy motor again. 

This morning I blatted out to Dhaid to see Antony at Joy International, which is the ultimate elephant's graveyard for deceased Nissan Patrols.  From his extensive stock of wrecks, we selected a straight and rust-free roof, which will be ours on Saturday for the princely sum of Dh3000, plus Dh150 for cutting and transport.  This, and the engine-less Beast, will go to Saluki so that Rod (new recruit) can set about converting it into a pickup.  Rod used to work for Ali Al Shawi and has done numerous such conversions, so Mark and Robbie-the-fabricator have given him unlimited use of the angle-grinder and buggered off to Qatar to see some rallying!  That he is being allowed unsupervised carte blanche to massacre my vehicle is a little worrying, but like I said, brave decisions are the order of the day.

So hopefully, we should get it all sorted and have an engine back in before 9th May, although we may have a multi-coloured vehicle at that point.  I foresee a blend of blue existing body panels, white roof, grey fiberglass and possibly a dash of red primer as being our race colour scheme.

I shall attempt to document the process, so watch this space.  Let the destruction commence!

And so begins the task....

The Phrankenblogger has left the room, the dust has settled on another Desert Challenge, and the Beast is back home in Dubai. As you can see from the previous photos, it's a bit poorly. But first, the good news.

The gear-change issue now appears to have been due to the absence of a heat-shield which used to live between the exhaust and the clutch slave cylinder. It was suggested that clutch friction plate debris could be jamming the clutch release fingers. But each evening, the hydraulic fluid was black, which is not the colour nature intended. The heat-shield must have gone walkabout when the new Y-piece of the exhaust was installed, and we simply never got the car hot enough in the local races to face the problem - even in the DC we could manage 100+km before we entered 'gear-change lottery' territory.

The new suspension worked like a dream, aided by the 265/75 Bridgestone MTs. They provided huge amounts of grip at 18/20psi, and the suspension made the car feel much more planted and compliant.

On SS2 we were overtaken by Khalid Al Jafla in his 3.6L Chevy-powered buggy just before PC1, and proceeded to keep up with him all the way through PC2 and almost up to PC3 - when the 'gear-change lottery' started up again. Khalid couldn't believe how quick we were, and we had great fun getting past various cars as we duelled for some 100km.

But the sheer mass of the car, and the high centre of gravity, was our achilles heel. The spare wheels have ended up slightly higher than before, due to the new rear frame comprising shock-tower and tyre/jack/air-bottle rack. So when the front wheels dug in as we landed over a soft dune, the back end overtook us and we pitch-poled onto the roof. This happened in an area of white sand just south of the crescent after PC3, near midday, and just after I'd made a comment to Sheila that I hated this time of day, when the sun is too high to throw any useful shadow.

We'd already talked about the possibility of losing a bit of weight. When last weighed, the beast was a portly 2600kg, against a minimum allowable weight of 2050kg. So cutting out some flab is clearly desirable. We've already lost the rear doors (almost 40kg), and losing the rear side doors and roof would probably yield another 100kg, making it a pickup (or ute, if you speak Australian.) The front doors, and front and rear wings can be replaced with fibreglass, which cuts out even more weight. The rear floor can be dispensed with, allowing the spare wheels to sit down between the chassis rails, further lowering the C of G. So now, having damaged most of those panels anyway, the idea becomes ever more attractive.

Unfortunately, you still need a cab, and that's a mess. I'm sure it can be repaired, but that means it will be full of Bondo - not ideal. Grafting in a new roof from a scrapper might be preferable.

Then you start to think of all the other issues. The engine needs to come out for an overhaul. The strange and complex exhaust headers means some of the plug leads are alarmingly close to the headers and getting the plugs out is a nightmare, so maybe we should have symmetrical headers, perhaps into separate mufflers. The electrics are a complete rat's nest, and the car needs rewiring from A to Z.

But for the time being, we want to concentrate on doing the unavoidable minimum to get the car ready for the next round of the Emirates Rally Championship (9-10th May). That means the engine comes out, the roof gets sorted and maybe we cut the back off. The rest can wait.

Now stop that. This is all far too silly

A large number of complaints have been flooding in from oop North (thanks Morag) and down Souf (much appreciated Mr. B) that the artist formerly known as Phantom has been, well, how can I put this, a bit sensible lately. And for that I must apologise. To be fair, try applying skin whitener and leaving it on overnight.

What with tragedies, late night delivery runs (a 500km / 310 mile round trip last night) desert recoveries, badly broken cars, incorrect parts et cetera, et cetera, I have to be honest and say my funny bone has been badly bruised for the last couple of evenings. But fear not, lovers of Phantom Philosophy, for tonight, "I be back".

To err is human, to Aaaarrrrr is pirate.

Let's start at the very beginning, a very good place to begin. When you read you begin with A-B-C, when you rally you begin with 200 right 4 flat into left 2 tightens over crest Caution! Don't cut. And thus the prologue began, as evidenced by these here photos wot was taken by my talented assistant Mr. Ansell. Quite what his talent is, other than making flatulence impressions under his armpit, nobody knows, but he's claiming it anyway. As usual there was a gale blowing, causing endless misery for the spectators and indeed, for the spectres (we Phantoms notice these things.) But Ian drove steeringly, Sheila co-drove navigatorily, and thus the car went from one end of the Special Stage to the other faster than some of the cars and slower than some of the others. What's important is that they competed, and everyone got a rosette, regardless of how fast they drove.

RUBBISH! What's important is going faster than your competitors, embarrassing and belittling them and kicking sand in their face. And thus, the politically incorrect fairytale of Newtrix Racing blasted on to Day One. Which is the second day of the competitive part of the rally. Are you following? Well you would be if you were slower than Ian & Sheila.

Following the prologue the dynamic duo were interviewed by Larry King and Angela Rippon. Actually that's not true but I don't know the name of their interviewer so Larry King will have to do. What was quite hilarious was watching a cameraman who stood about 5' 3" tall, raising the tripod sufficiently to interview 6' 4" Ian. Take a look at the photo. I have no idea if Ian was even in the camera shot because frankly, neither had the cameraman or sound engineer. (If you describe yourself as a 'sound engineer' are you bragging, or understating your potential?)

Anyway, I digest.

So Day One  (the second day) consisted of Ian driving fast, Sheila telling him to slow down a bit, Ian ignoring those particular instructions, other people's cars breaking down, "Richy Ricky Kate" sitting around counting their toenails (Kate helped Ricky with the big numbers) and PB in the office scratching his elbow. At least I think it was his elbow. The Dogs finished, Richy Ricky had too much to drink, Kate and I had a late night rendezvous (woo hoo, see "Was That It?" magazine for details) and a lot of people snored.

On Day Two (which is Day Three) Ian decided to put in his application for the Australian Rally a few months and several degrees of latitude too early. Had he started out the day inverted, things might have had a softer ending. But you know how that story goes, so where did we leave the story last night. Oh yes.....

As I left the bivvy at around late o'clock, Sheila was looking for a man. Not just any man, but an FIA inspector, who all simply love being woken up and dragged out of their warm beds to be shown a badly bent car and asked 'is it OK if we race this tomorrow?". Clearly said FIA man was disinclined to accede to this request and went back to bed to count rule changes, but come the morning a different gentleman, the slightly more awake  Mr. very very nice Lionel (yes, he's a nice, helpful, charming and ever so nice Frenchman. I know. But he is named after Richard the LionelHeart so perhaps he is really English but has a funny accent.) said "bert off cours you can race mon leetle Cherie, juust straighten ze bodywork and she weel be as right as pleut". I told you he had a funny accent. But he is nice.

So while Sheila made the nice Mr. Lionel a soup bowl of onion and snail flavoured black coffee, Kate fluttered her eyelashes at him and buttered his baguette (you know what those French, possibly English guys are like in the morning) Ian dashed into town to buy some brake lights, because the old ones were completely braked, Richard "I've got a tool for that crushed bodywork I 'ave" Bailey and Rick "I may not be much help but I'm a bloody good shot so don't argue with me" Carless started hitting things very hard with large hammers, and I had a lie in.(Well it was a VERY tiring drive!) By lunchtime, Lionel had finally finished his cup of coffee (OK, so he is French) Kate's eyelids were exhausted and Sheila was topping up her tan. Ian was telling rude jokes to the medical staff (they'd heard them all before but morphine is wonderful stuff when you've got a tough crowd) Richard "nothing flusters me I'll just make a new roof out of this baked bean tin and some duct tape" Bailey was still hitting things and Rick "Are we there yet" Carless was shouting bad words at the pigeons. So just another day in the bivvy then.

By 7pm the car was sorted, Lionel was 'appy' (thanks for the morphine Sean), Ian and Sheila were besides themselves with Joy. Joy was besides Ian and Sheila, Richy Rick was knackered and so was the engine. Oh yes. The engine. Bad news. It knocks like an Emirates hostesses headboard, despite having access to far more lubricant. So after all that hard work, it appears that excrement may have struck the rotary airflow displacement device with considerable velocity. All indications are that 'it's reet buggered' as Rick would say, if only he'd stop eating for 5 minutes. And you know when people are using indications in the UAE, something's seriously wrong. Nobody uses their indications.

So that's that. I'm awaiting more news from t'bivvy but there's trouble at t'mill. And on that bombshell, here's a joke.

A grasshopper walks into a bar, jumps up onto a bar stool and asks the barman for a pint.

"Blimey" says the barman, "why order a pint when we've got drink named after you?"

The grasshopper looks at him quizzically and says "Seriously, you've got a drink called Graham?"


And on that note, I'll get my coat. Aaaarrrrr.
 

So that's how it happened.....

Rick's photos from the desert yesterday, after going in with the Sweep Team to recover Ian and Sheila's car.

This sort of thing tends to attract a crowd, even in the middle of the desert...

Would now be a good time to check the suspension bushes?

Towing a car out of the desert at night is not the easiest of tasks

Thanks to all the Desert Challenge volunteer sweep team for their help - and sarcastic comments !
 

It was all going so well....

The Dog's two Dicks, Bailey and Carless, worked like dogs last night, at one point losing their bearings, but that was OK because those bearings were worn out anyway, replacing them with the bearings from the pulley delivered by UPS (Unscheduled Phantom Sortie) to Kate Adie (she says she's Kate Steadman but I've seen her on the telly, I know she's Kate Adie).

Kate and I met in the middle of the desert last night at a truck stop next to a giant pyramid, a Series 3 Land Rover that's big enough to have a restaurant inside, and the world's largest globe on a trailer. No, I know it makes no sense but this is the UAE. Look up "Rainbow Sheikh Museum" and you'll see that for once, my nonsense happens to be the truth!

I gave Kate my pulley (fnarr, fnaar) and she gave me a can of Diet Coke and the rest, they say, is histrionics. Rick sent me a rude message saying I didn't know my pulleys from my elbow, but he used the bearings anyway so ner ner ner ner ner Rick.

This morning Ian and Sheila were going great guns, with no stucks and no delays - so something was BOUND to go wrong!

And it did - right now we are trying to recover the car from desert where it is resting on its roof, after a roll. Not a cheese roll, a sand roll. Ian and Sheila are OK though. More info when I have it....

UPDATE at 2am....



No, I have no idea why he was only wearing a T shirt when it was clearly snowing



The battery's flat. So's the roof.



Clean your windscreen Sir?

Well I'm just home after driving down to the bivouac and back, to deliver a large sheet of plexiglass by DHL (Dubai, Hellishlyfast, Liwa) in the hopes that it could be used as a temporary windscreen but..... having seen the damage to the car, it's going to need a lot more than a temporary windscreen fitted tonight.

As I left at around 10.45pm an FIA inspector was coming over to look at the damage. At this stage I don't know if Ian and Sheila can continue to race. If the inspectors deem the car unsafe, they will not be allowed to do so. More news when I have it.

 

Day One - not a good day

Apologies to those of you who visited the site yesterday expecting an update from the rally. Unfortunately one of the riders, Dubai based British ex pat Cameron Waugh, suffered serious injuries following a crash approximately 155kms into the stage on Day one. Despite the valiant efforts of fellow competitor Jakub Przygonski, who called for a medevac helicopter and performed CPR on Cameron 'to the point of exhaustion', Cameron succumbed to his injuries and was pronounced dead at the hospital.

Having learned this just after driving halfway to Liwa to meet Kate, to hand over a pulley wheel which turned out to be the wrong part (yes, the second time in two years I've done that) I returned home late and had no desire to sit and write some witty comments about the day's activities. Sorry.

RIP Cameron, we offer our condolences to his family.

Ian and Sheila finished the day, which is more than half a dozen other cars managed, despite some gearbox issues which we believe are related to cooling and possibly therefore, the damaged pulley wheel. Richard and Rick were trying to take the bearings from the pulley I brought down last night, to fit into the damaged one from the car. Fingers crossed.

Quick Update at 9.40am on Day 2. Richard the Fifth and Rick the Careless succeeded in pressing the bearings out and swapped them for the bearings in the old pulley. So not a completely wasted journey / evening. Well done guys.

 

Let me be Phrank

Avast there sandlubbers, 'tis I, Phrankenblogger. Yes, it's your worst nightmare come true, except possibly that one about the Nolan Sisters. The Phrankenblogger is just like Phantom Blogger but with a bolt through his neck (I blame Bernie) and a strange desire to sing 'Putting on the Ritz".

I'm just checking in to see all systems are working fine, then Ian will be back in a tick to update you on the state of his Prologue. Well at his age you have to check regularly. And that makes his eyes water I can tell you!

But to keep you good folks of Newtrix Land happy as spring daisies, in this Winter Olympic year, here's a picture of the 2014 team. Of course there should be five of them but unfortunately Richard Bailey's ring didn't open. So we spoke to the CMO and he's advised plenty of rest, All Bran and prune juice.

I'll be back tomorrow, by which time Richard should be in full flush.

Ersatz von Phrankenblogger - be gone! It is I, The Dog, the genuine blogger (refuse all imitations), bringing you a live update from Room 663 at the Centro Hotel in Yas. The four of us have showered (not all together, of course), dined (yes, we did that bit together) and Richard (the Fifth) is already in residence at Camp Newtrix, Liwa. Sheila is now doing battle with several pages of amendments to the road book, Rick and Kate have hit the bar, and the results are online at www.abudhabidesertchallenge.com.

But to save you the trouble of following that link, I can tell you that Newtrix Racing have risen from a lowly 25th seeding to the dizzy height of 21st overall! (And if that doesn't make a mockery of the seeding, then my name's not Angus MacTavish.) Only two of our fellow UAE drivers are ahead of us - Yahya Al Helei (310) is 19th, and Nabil Al Shamsi (315) is 16th. Winner of the prologue was Nani Roma (302) in a Mini, and it couldn't have happened to a nicer chap.

So we need to be out of here by 0800hrs tomorrow, to arrive in the pre-start park by 0930hrs, for a stage start time of 1039hrs. So get on line at the aforementioned ADDC website, to follow live tracking of 326 - Newtrix Racing!

Scrutineering day

Kate's here!

Scruntineering passed OK, after minor drama - the race number on the roof blew off en route from Dubai to Yas! Fortunately Stuart at Rally Control had spare blanks and numbers.

3-tonner is now finally loaded with all kinds of everything. Richard will take it to the bivvy on Saturday night after the prologue, and then head back up the Hameem Road to meet us at White Sands for service. Rick stays overnight at Yas with us, and take the trailer to rendezvous with Richard at White Sands.

So everything seems pretty much under control (famous last words!)

Documentation Day

Quick blat down to Rally HQ at Yas Marina to pay for the entry, pick up the GPS, Sentinel, stickers, goodies and and all the rest. Then into Dubai to pick up a couple of parts while the technical team worked on the car.

The engine mounts were completely shot. And the reason the car was pulling to the right was that the left-hand front brake pipe was crushed flat, so no fluid was reaching the left front brake. So with that, a bit of electrical work, and fitting the GPS and Sentinel, Richard and Rick have been pretty busy. Me? I just did all the cosmetic stuff, applying the rally stickers and the sponsors vinyl die-cuts. Bit of eye-liner here, a bit of flower-arranging there - you know how it is.

Anyway - it's as done as it's going to be, so let's see what the scrutineers think of our efforts. All will be revealed tomorrow. Which is when Kate, the final member of the Newtrix Team arrives from the UK.

Spy-shot from the Newtrix Technical Centre 

Funky new Key Technology logo!

LastMinuteRally.com

You were only supposed to blow the doors off.....

More progress - just as well, really seeing as it's documentation day tomorrow.

Rashad has done the business.  New softer springs and complete change to the dampers resulting in an increase in speed over his test track from 70 to 110kph 'but I would have gone faster if the brakes weren't so bad'.  OK, fair point, they are still pulling to the left - and as soon as the new brake pipe comes from Nissan, that too will be cured!

Stickers - started, will have to finish tomorrow.

Harnesses are all in and adjusted.  Seems like it should be a five minute job, but took hours..

Registration - sorted, no problem.

Spares - ready to go on the truck, which Richard should have picked up from work and is probably busy loading with his tools as we speak.

We now have decided to ditch the rear doors, move the number plate and fit new high-mounted lights - so that's all done as well

Are we panicking?  Well, yes, in a low-key, stiff-upper-lip, pass the gin-and-tonic kind of way. If we waited to rally until we were really, really ready, then we wouldn't do any rallying at all. As a privateer, everything is a compromise. We do the best we can and if that isn't enough, well, we'll come back next year and try again. How do we define success? Will we ever be able to do better than 10th? Was that the never-to-be-repeated highlight of our rallying careers?

"Questions of a thousand dreams
What you do and what you seem,
Lover, can you talk
To me?"

Until tomorrow...

Getting closer...

The traditional last-minute panic to get ready for the DC has now kicked into high gear.

The new helmets have arrived, together with some funky gel-pads to make the HANS devices less painful to wear.  New seats are in.    Robbie has modified the shock-mounts and fitted the sand-ladder mounting brackets.  Nangjel have sorted out the electrics, although that needs a bit of tidying up.  The new heavy-duty battery bracket which Richard fabricated is installed.  The Beast now sports new Bridgestone MT 265/75 R16 tyres - 4 plus 2 spares. So what's left?

Shock tuning -  tomorrow I'm putting the car in to Mebar, for Rashad to work his magic.
Stickers - ready to pick up and be applied this weekend.
New harnesses - I splashed out on some up-market Sabelt ones with nice aluminium adjusters, and they should arrive Sunday/Monday.
Re-registration - always a trial, this one.  I have to get the car over to Bin Sulayem Garage for Rob Bryan to inspect it, and issue the letter which enables the RTA to register it as a rally car.
Spares - need to chase up Arabian Auto for these, but they promised they'd be ready
Photo shoot - the PR people from the DC want a photo of Team NewTrix, so I need The Phantom Blogger to get back from Europe to do the honours.

Meanwhile...we've been seeded 25th for the DC, with race number 326.  That's a bit of an insult really, considering we've never come lower than 18th in any DC that we've finished!  We'll show them...

Over in The Magic Kingdom, the Hail Rally is in progress.  Home favourite Yazeed Al Rajhi (Hummer) is out at the end of day 1, as is Emil Khneisser in his spanking new Nissan-sponsored Y62 Patrol, fresh from Mebar's workshop - both seemingly with engine failure.  Our mate Matar Al Mansouri (UAE, Nissan Patrol) also appears to be having a torrid time of it on day 4, as is Khalid Al Jaflah (UAE, Chevrolet Buggy) - who was leading the event last night.  After some 7 hours in the stage, they both now appear to be moving again, but are still in the desert and a long, long way from the finish.  It will be dark soon so I doubt that they are having much fun.  All the aforementioned are entered in the DC, so they won't have much time to rectify any damage from Hail - one of the reasons we didn't bother this year!
 

More racing, more problems

Apologies to you, dear reader.  I have been neglecting my blogging duties.

With the windscreen replaced, and the front wing temporarily beaten back into shape I took part in the final round of the EMSF Desert Championship on 14^th Feb.  This followed the format of the earlier rounds, with a course running some 15km through the desert run multiple times in 2 hours.  All went well until I had a rather hard landing and after that the car was pulling to the right, and it was clear that something had broken loose in the back.  A few minutes later the car stopped, and it became clear what had come loose – the battery had made a bid for freedom.  The retaining bracket had disappeared, so I tie-wrapped it back into position and came back to the pits, found the bracket and mounted the (leaking) battery into position.  Out of the pits I ran straight into the chequered flag, so that meant I had only completed 6 laps, which turned out to be enough to give me 3^rd place overall, and 1^st in T1.

Thanks to Tim Ansell for these great shots of EMSF R1

Although I only competed in 2 rounds out of 4, two good finishes were apparently enough to win the T1 championship!

For some time, Sh. Abdullah Al-Qassimi (international rally driver and all-round good bloke) has been trying to get a new rally series organized in UAE.  His efforts came to fruition with the announcement of a 3-race series to run from March to May 2014, in conjunction with ATCUAE.  The first event was held last Saturday on a gravel track out beyond Mileiha, suitable for both saloon cars and 4x4s.

Our Friday practice revealed that the car was still pulling heavily to the right, and then we found one of the front right shocks was broken!  This must have happened in the heavy landing and hadn’t been spotted at the time.  With no chance to repair, we removed the shock and ran without it.  After that evening’s ceremonial start on the corniche (with fireworks, no less!), we headed out next day for the event, comprising two stages repeated three times.  Predictably our times weren’t that great, but we completed the event without incident and got 5^th place in T1.

The hazards of rallying...

So we have a few issues to resolve on the car: repair the shock, and more important, understand why it broke.  The shock mounts may need some work.  The car in currently at Nanjgel, who are looking at the problem of the car pulling to the right under braking, and also re-fitting the windscreen – the mastic they used originally must have gone off, because it didn’t set properly and has been dripping everywhere!  Robbie also needs to sort out new brackets for mounting the sand ladders.  Then we have to get the car through its annual test, and fit a new 36mm restrictor and new harnesses.   New helmets to meet 2010 FIA regs are on order from Demon Tweeks.

Our team for the fast-approaching 2014 Abu Dhabi DesertChallenge now comprises Richard Bailey, and Rick Carless and Kate Stedman, who are both flying in from UK for the event.  Watch this space…